Full Disclosure

God knows why i am writing this now and posting it, but anyway...

Somewhere, i believe in some past life, i lost the sense that i could count on anything on earth to last, and that's been the underlying substratum of my whole life. Money can be lost, people can die or just leave you, or almost worse, your feelings change, houses can  burn down, fame is fickle...

I"m 57: i don't have much income, no home of my own, no girlfriend, not much public recognition in my field of music (other than a person here or a person there).
But there have been times in my life when i did have a girlfriend, and often i was still unhappy.
Times i made money, often still unhappy
etc.
When i get into moods of "poor me", i remember those times, and i realize that what i am really looking for is a feeling of peace and joy, and seeking that feeling from external stimuli is ultimately fruitless, an up and down seesaw.

Not that i don't want home, girlfriend, money, success, i do, and at times acutely feel the lack. Not that i diminish the importance of having a happy and healthy physical life, i want those too, but what i really want is an unbreakable sense of happiness,  a sense of happiness that's not just the effect of and dependent on external causes, which are not reliable. Meditation and yoga are the things that have brought me the most peace and happiness, and they are not mutually exclusive with a happy human life.

I've had no real desire for kids or to own a home or a lot of stuff, and that has allowed me a lot of choice. I understand that doing karma yoga in the world, job and kids, householder, is a very valid path, which i may be entering on, but up to now my path has been to withdraw from the world, to keep myself as protected as possible, safe from the overstimulation and unrelenting busyness i see so many people caught up in, 1000 Facebook notifications/10 thousand emails/500 cell phone messages a day.
I've lived in tents a lot, probably a total of 4 and 1/2 years of my life, in Big Sur and Mt. Shasta and some other places, and i have to say that, generally speaking i sleep and feel better in nature, and my ideal situation was when i had full access to kitchen and indoors and had the tent as an extra bedroom, so i'm not totally a nature boy, i like some comforts. Still, while it's nice to have power and a refrigerator, it's just too easy to get sucked into hours each day on the computer, and i don't like all the EMFs of modern life.

What i really want is to truly feel myself as spirit incarnate, as tat tvam asi, as the hindu scriptures and the western teacher Joel Goldsmith, and so many others,  speak of. (go buy any book by Joel Goldsmith, they all say one thing). I can't say i've done that yet, but what i can say is that living a life with lots of free time, much of it in nature, relatively free of busyness and overstimulation, with as nearly constant mindfulness as i can manage, gives me occasional glimpses, and i'm at the point where it's time to re-enter the world and participate.

I've found so much truth in the saying "attitude is everything" and in the buddhist teachings, which basically amount to learning how to be happy and methods to accomplish that. I started out adulthood, like so many of us, as a wounded, damaged person. I've spent years healing, to the point where, despite my lack of externals, i don't feel wounded anymore. If i die tomorrow, it was time well spent, and, i want to fulfill my humanity and have a good human existence, and give something back, especially my music.

So, today, i got into the headspace of "i need this, i need that". Maybe i'm just writing this to remind myself of what i really need, maybe i'm writing this because it pains me to see people who are looking for peace and happiness from externals, and suffering much in the process, especially people i know. Maybe i just don't have enough wisdom yet to accept that.

So, i've written 700 songs, many of which nobody but me has heard, many of them not played in years.
I do Watsu and massage and energy work, i teach guitar, i can be very loving, nurturing and giving in relationship, and i am officially declaring that i am open for business as a human being, not a dis-embodied mind.
Amin