Three poems

Three recent poems
---

One Day (july 5)

One day follows the next
     and the next
I look down at my shadow on the ground
One day it will not be there
------


Free Bird (july 6)

Free Bird, have your wings been clipped by
ingesting the fears and limiting beliefs
of frightened and limited people
This can't happen, that can't happen, that can't happen unless _____

No belief in or understanding of higher truths
No belief in miracles
despite the miracles all around us, as us

Free Bird, your wings are not clipped, they only seem to be
Free Bird, spread your wings, and
fly
----------


How would i live (july 12)

if i wasn't thinking of the future, afraid of the future
     how would i live?
I i wasn't reacting to the past
     how would i live?
if my mind wasn't busy, busy, busy
     how would i live?
if i was aware of the infinite eternal
in me, as me
     how would i live?

if i wasn't afraid of surrendering to the experience of the infinite eternal
in me, as me
     how would i live?

if i really experienced THAT
     would it matter?

In the realm of hungry ghosts, a protest poem

IN THE REALM OF HUNGRY GHOSTS

In the realm of hungry ghosts

bellies the size of beach balls

throats the size of a small straw

never able to get enough

always wanting more

constantly remodeling their houses

buying bigger houses

newer cars

bigger TVs

the latest electronic toys,

cell phones, computers, and all the rest

always in their heads

their only sensations in their bodies

food and sex

otherwise, only pain

reminds them that they have

arms, legs, fingers, toes

and lots of skin

Success is not success

if it takes you away from

your birthright as a living being

to be fully alive in your body

A sociopathic, ecocidal society

where the only value put on the land

is to develop it

with constantly rising prices, where

even those who are not hungry ghosts

have to struggle just to survive

in the realm of hungry ghosts

-----------------

here's an older poem on the same themes

NAKED PAGAN

A naked pagan
dancing with the sky
i am alien in your world

Your houses, factories, TV sets
It is difficult for me to understand
how can you live this way?
but you do

I need trees, grass, sky
rushing rivers and willing consorts
fresh strawberries picked from the ground

You tell me of vaccines, hospitals
guaranteed food supply
heat in the winter

Yes, these are good things
when enjoyed properly
but why give up

the joy of feeling
the sun on your heart
the waves on your flesh
trances
the companionship of spirit

Why do you seem to lack
joy, contentment, fulfillment
serenity, and
integrity

You sell yourself to the highest bidder and
live in fear of not selling yourself
why can you not find a way to have it all?

If this technology is so wonderful
why are so many unhappy
sick at heart
filled with all manner of diseased emotions and
homeless in the streets

I don't understand

The gifts i offer
you think worthless

I offer the sand, the sea
compassion, and
deep feelings

What you want from me is to be a robot
For that i may earn enough to buy food and pay rent
since you have set a price on every inch of the earth
by what right do you control this land?

I don't understand
but, after all
I am only

A naked pagan

Fuckup, again (new poem)

When I eat too much late at night I don't sleep well. This poem is the result of my latest .
------


FUCKUP, AGAIN

Yeah, you fucked up, again
It would have been better if you hadn't
done what you did, said what you said,
but you did
again

All you can do is start where you are
again

You can lie there in the dust,
kicking yourself in the head,
again
for having fucked up
again

or you can re-apply yourself
again
to the job of fixing whatever broken parts there are inside yourself
Rebuilding your own engine
Replacing your own dysfunctional gears,
mostly dysfunctional thoughts, attitudes, beliefs, cravings and aversions,
that don't mesh with health and happiness
Replacing them with healthy, functional parts
Useful, functional thoughts, attitudes, beliefs, equanimity
that work to create health and happiness

All you can do is start where you are
again
every moment of your life
-------

2012 Poems

2012 Poems

i realized after typing this that i had already posted these poems on 4/26, however i made some slight editing changes, so these versions are slightly different.

Awakening (written 3/26/12)

Awakening from a long dark dream
a dream that has lasted lifetimes
a dream that started when I got so hurt that
i turned bitter, cynical
a dream where everything i saw
by which i mean all the conceptions and
interpretations i held in my mind of what I
"saw"
in the "world"
in "people"
was filtered through a dark layer
a layer of smoke, of disappointment
disappointment in myself
disappointment in others
and most especially
disappointment in God

a focus on the negative,
the stupid, the greedy,
the selfish, the cruel
who needs the newspapers, or the evening news,to present
their distorted, slanted litany of war, greed and atrocity
when i was carrying my own filter
a filter which even the buddha or jesus would have trouble being seen through
if they were here in person, not just some ideal in the mind

Awakening to find that
there is suffering, and
there is joy, and
there is a choice, and
it takes work, and
it has been done, and
if one person can do it,
anybody can do it
i can do it
so can you



My heart is a locked box
4/11/12
---
my heart is a locked box to which
only you hold the key
if only i knew who you were

i have never met you, and so
i wait aimlessly
only half believing that you will ever come

INTERNAL WEATHER
4/26/12
----
internal weather
mental, emotional, physical

the forecast early today is for
obsessive, frearful thoughts
often focussing on politics and the environment
often as a result of reading Internet websites, but
sometimes more personal
resulting in raging emotional storms
often invisible to the outside world
resulting in upset stomach, back trouble,
headaches, feelings of bodily weakness, and
many other troubles

Later today expect periods of calm
resulting from practices such as
meditation, tai chi, yoga, forgiveness
resulting in remission of symptoms, for now
until the next storm breaks out

Reading Dharma Bums (new poems)

Reading Dharma Bums

Reading Dharma Bums
Walking down Berkeley streets wearing brown pants and a navy blue t-shirt
clothes which i imagine the beats to have worn
preparing to go camping to Big Sur and Mt. Shasta
then a trip up the coast to Seattle
living that other American Dream
The dream of freedom

oh jack, you came to such a sad end, but
you inspired millions and millions
among them this humble writer
you are one of my spiritual ancestors
thank you

-------

What Can Compare

What can compare with the feeling of
walking around drunk, but 
not too drunk
on a nice sunny day
walking into shops 
finding open bathrooms
talking with shopkeepers
feeling free but
wishing you had something to lose

New Poems, San Diego, Spring 2012

For a number of years I've been visiting San Diego several times a year to visit family, usually staying anywhere from 2 weeks to 2 months each visit. With the wandering lifestyle which i have been living for years, i get to stay places as long as i want, and here in SD my friend Tom has been a saint about letting me stay in his guest room or back cabin.

I don't drive, so it's very difficult for me to get out to many places: SD is so spread out, and the bus system isn't so great on nights and weekends. This means that i spend a lot of time around the house drinking tea, doing practices and processing all the stuff that comes up whenever i see my mother. 

These are the poems i have written so far on this visit, also wrote 6 songs, but that's another story.
be well,
jay dancing bear


Internal Weather
My heart is a locked box
Condensed Light
This too shall pass
Awakening


Internal Weather
Internal Weather
Mental, Emotional, Physical, Spiritual

The forecast early today is for:

obsessive, fearful thoughts
often focussing on politics and the Environment
often as a result of reading the news on the Internet
but sometimes more personal

resulting in
raging emotional storms
often invisible to others
resulting in
upset stomach, back trouble
headaches, general weakness
and other problems

Later today, expect periods of calm
resulting from practices such as
meditation, qigong, yoga, forgiveness, affirmations
resulting in remission of symptoms
until the next storm breaks out

all the while, the Spirit, the Higher Self
waits for the clouds to part long enough
for the sufferer to realize that
the sun is always shining
the earth just turns away sometimes

we make our own weather
-------

My Heart is a locked box

My heart is a locked box
a box to which only you hold the key
if only i knew who you were

I have never met you, and so
I wait aimlessly
only half believing that you will ever come
-------


Condensed Light


The higher frequencies are hard to handle
the clarity, the energy, the feelings of aliveness
You would think that i would spend as much time as possible in them, but they feel uncomfortable to this
deadened, slogged down, fear filled, shame filled, guilt filled
walking corpse, which needs to squash down any feelings of clarity
which might cause it to feel some very deep,
unpleasant layers of feeling

am i being overdramatic?
or just telling the truth 
the real reason that
so many people seem to deaden themselves
by every means possible
anything to not feel
the unbearably painful feelings buried deep within

but
like a moth drawn to a flame
no matter how much we numb ourselves
we are always drawn by the light to rise again
to fly, to soar, to go deeper and deeper
into the kingdom of light which is inevitably pulling all of us
by the force of its' magnetism, and the fact that
we all are, in the final analysis,
nothing but
condensed light 


-------------


This Too Shall Pass


Ultimately everything becomes a memory
a photo
a line in a journal
a frozen moment in time
a dimly remembered feeling


The river of time just keeps flowing on and on
today's dreams
tomorrow's achievements
the day after tomorrow's recollections
maybe even a mention in a history book


so here we are i am
it's so important what happens to me us
it really is
kept in the perspective of

this too shall pass


-----------------------------------


Awakening


Awakening from a long dark dream, a dream
that has lasted lifetimes, a dream
that started when i got so hurt that
i turned bitter, cynical
a dream where everything i saw
by "saw" i mean all the conceptions and
interpretations I held in my mind
of what i "saw" in the "world" in "people" was
filtered through a dark cloud of smoke
of disappointment
especially disappointment in myself, and, by extension
because people are people and i am a person
disappointment in others
a focus on the negative, the selfish, the cruel
who needs newspapers or the evening news 
to present their distorted, slanted litany of war, murder and greed
when i was carrying my own filter
which even the Buddha would have trouble being seen through
if he were here in person, rather than some distant ideal


Awakening to find that
there is suffering, and
there is joy, and
i have a choice, and
it takes work, and
anyone can do it
even me

The monk's addiction (poem)

In order to keep on purifying myself
I need to keep on defiling myself

Poems from last year

Limbo
And, What
Noisy
Two buck chuck (the poem)
Enlightenment can kiss my ass

Impermanence
Bar
----------------------

Limbo
6/14/11

Lying around
    on the couch
    on the bed
watching videos
    reading books
    thinking
    writing in my journal
eating
   shitting
eating more
   shitting more
drinking tea
   peeing a lot
walking the dog twice a day

Something is happening
   inside
not sure what
Been a few days now
still food in the refrigerator, although
the ice cream and beer are gone
Feeling lonely for a woman
unlikely to meet any in the living room
unless i go online, and
that hasn't worked out so well up to now
so
limbo
halfway between what was and what will be
walking the dog
seems to be what the universe wants me to be doing right now

-------------------------------------
And, what?
7/24/11

And what, after all, is it all for?
Travelling, staying home
working, resting
loving, hating
tiring, fulfilling

The whirlwind of experience
For some the dronage of boring routine
How many years do we get?
60,70,80,90?
if we're lucky
and what, after all, is it all for?

Some teachings call it illusion
It all feels pretty real to
ME
the big, capital
ME
getting a little tired of that, too

I want to rest my head
on a soft pillow
sleep for a long time,
when i wake up
I want to be cleansed
purified of my mistakes
misguided patterns of thought
   destructive negative emotions
   harmful actions
and maybe then i'll be happy

I think of anattapindika, the hindu murderer
who killed 999 people
cut off their fingers, wore them on a garland around his neck
and then, one day, miraculously
had a change of heart, and
became a true saint
filled with love and compassion
for all beings

I'm not that bad, in this life
if he could do it
i can do it
you can do it
too

Amin

---------------------------------------

Noisy
8/14

Out in nature, beautiful day
it's really noisy out here, because
my mind
won't
fucking shut up

----------------------------------

Two Buck Chuck (the poem)

That fancy french wine you used to drink
tonight it's two buck chuck
Those pricey organic strawberries from Whole Foods
tonight Safeway got your business
not much of it
mostly cigarettes and chips

You used to ride in your beamer
now you ride the bus
not with your ex-girlfriend
who's moved on to one of your ex-friends
who still has his money
for now

It was all great while it lasted
high times, really high, most of the time
crash, oops

There are a few compensations
That girl last week, who fucked you
just to get close
to the scent of money and success
She was impressed by what you had had
even if you didn't have it anymore

you have a lot of company
maybe you could get together a band
"the ex-big men"

So, there you sit on the couch
drinking cheap wine
watching a video
eating shitty food
your saving grace, a lack of bitterness
a lack of blame
you have taken responsibility
for your own fuckups
you can still
laugh
especially at yourself

------------------------------------
Enlightenment can kiss my ass

if enlightenment means
no more beer, no more ballgames
no more girlfriends, no more fun
Enlightenment can kiss my ass

If enlightenment means
acting so fucking holy all the time
spouting pious bullshit
wearing the same fucking boring clothes every day
Enlightenment can kiss my ass

and if enlightenment means
that i have to deny my animal self, my human self, my worldly self
well, what's the fucking point of being here, anyway?

Now, if enlightenment means
a little more self control
more sense of peace
better relationships, maybe even
better sex, well
you're starting to get my attention

and if enlightenment means
that i see the highest good in everyone
see the light in every being and thing
that i know myself as eternal spirit
that i see the perfection in everything
even suffering and death, well
sign me up

Who the fuck knows what enlightenment is?
Most of the people talking about it don't know shit
except what they read in some books
or heard from somebody else who didn't know shit
who had no real experience of what they were talking about
Probably the people who really are enlightened are just enjoying it
and don't feel the need to bug or preach to everybody else

There are so many ways to run away from our problems
as far as i can tell
most of the people sitting on their zafus or
stretching on their yoga mats
are just running away from their problems
that's a whole lot better than running away to
drugs, alcohol, sex, tv, but
we're here for a reason

at a certain point, we have to stop running
re-engage with the world
take whatever we've learned on our mats
and just get on with it

Amin

----------------------------------

Impermanence

The house is being remodelled
there are no walls, no doors, barely a floor
Front yard, back yard, piles of rubble and dust
slowly polluting the earth

Cardboard boxes, paper shopping bags of stuff
sitting on the patio for six months
in sun and rain
plates, knives, forks, cups, spoons, pots, pans
and all the rest of the kitchen
amazingly,not totally ruined
they may sit out there another six months

Workmen come, workmen go
The work stops and starts
when the owner gets a little more cash
to do another piece of the work
it may never get finished, if he loses his job

One piece of calm in this storm
the little hut in the backyard
formerly storage/guest room, now
all that's left
of this formerly presentable property

Mid life crisis made visible
all the facades of a man's life
gone
unable to hide anymore what's really inside
what sick emotions, old wounds, old anger
maybe it's good to see the truth
not be able to bullshit yourself
and the rest of the world
anymore

or maybe there's no deep, great significance
just another construction project with unexpected complications
just another snapshot of America
lots of external activity and dust and pollution
not so much inner work
tax laws and bank loans that encourage
all this chasing of the tail, but
it's not even fun
even a dog, chasing it's own tail, knows it's a game
maybe this is all a game
maybe my third eye just isn't open enough to see it
what bullshit

----------------------------

Bar

I was in a bar last night
having coffee with a friend
we couldn't find a coffee shop

it was a nice bar
friendly bartendresses
I liked the decorations

not having been in a bar for a while
because i haven't been drinking much
I was amazed at all the tempting
pretty, multi-colored
differently shaped, endless array of bottles
all of which disguised the one key ingredient
al-cohol
with which i have no gripe

still, it was amazing to me, to see, this whole establishment, all based on
people's desire to loosen up and connect with others
with the help of a little lubrication
a little lubrication that, while it numbs the body
can put one in touch with one's feelings
which often don't get felt much

so, my friend and i had a good time

the end

2 new poems

Getting Drunk In The Morning

Getting drunk in the morning
      just makes so much sense
you fall asleep in the early afternoon
wake up in the late afternoon
take a bath and
still have the evening ahead of you
-------------------------------------
So Fucking Spiritual

I am so fucking spiritual
I meditate, in lotus
read holy books
do yoga
I'm a vegetarian
look down on all the common people
whose lives are filled with fear and resentment
who are doing the best they can
working like dogs
while i look down on them

I am so fucking spiritual

Treading Water

Treading Water

February 24th
My birthday a few days away
here i am one more time
actually never stopped my whole life
wrestling with my demons

dark, crusty hands
reaching up from the waters of my unconscious
grabbing  me by the ankles
dragging me down
under

I fight and fight and fight
Fought my whole life
made a lot of progress
the dark crusty hands are weaker now
now i only go under a little bit and for a little while
then i quickly make it back to the surface, and
tread water 
which is better than when 
i used to go under and
stay under

but when will i fly?
I know i have wings, i can feel them
sometimes other people even tell me they can see them
Once or twice i've even taken off briefly, felt great
then I'm back treading water

Over the years i've learned a lot about how to free myself
things i can teach others
if i ever get free myself

I have hope
but when, O Spirit
will the dark
crusty grip
all my unconscious fears and self-judgements
release
and like a great eagle
I will enter into the kingdom
the kingdom of light
love, peace, joy and fulfillment

amin

Changeling

Changeling    
(written 2/22, Cotati, Ca.)

How hard it is to believe that change is possible
especially how hard to believe that change is possible NOW
both for me and around me

all i can see is what is in front of my eyes now
the life i am living
the world and society i am living in
and yet
one of the primary teachings of the buddha is
CHANGE
Impermanence

why is it harder for me to believe that all this suffering
will pass
easier to believe that things are bad and getting worse
and will continue to get worse
and worse

The pendulum, the yin/yang symbol, and other
mystic teachings
all say
it's all gonna change

is it easier for me to have nothing to lose
so that i can avoid the pain of losing what is dear to me
so i can scoff and rant 
at those holding on
to their precious 
transitory 
illusions of security?
and what does that say about me

Impermanence, holding on
is suffering
I am suffering
holding on to the protection of
having nothing to lose
because
everybody always loses everything
the teachings say
in order to gain everything

Change is here

Hafiz and Forugh Farrakhzad (new poem)

i went to the library to get a book of Hafiz' poetry. Right next to Hafiz was a book entitled
Sin, selected poems of Forugh Farrakhzad, translated by Sholeh Wolpe.
After reading some of each book, here is a poem that came out of me
---------------------
Hafiz and Forugh Farrakhzad

Destiny
is a far off thing
but just as close to me
my love
as your lips

O my beloved
why have you been so cruel to me?
i have wandered over mountains,
rivers, lakes, oceans,
deserts
braved heat and cold, and still
you withhold yourself from this poor lover's sight, and yet
I know that you are ever present, with me always
were i only able to know you

How many years of my life? How many days, hours,
How much of my strength, attention, desire, energy
have i given to looking for you?
How many generations of cells of my body
have been born, lived, died
while i wandered to and fro
searching for you
a fool for love

O, my beloved
come to me, i need you, i want you
My body aches for you
my mouth is parched
My desire rises, thinking of you
Come to me please
i beg you
make yourself known to this poor fool for love

Destiny, what is destiny but
the calling of the blood
the calling of the inner essence
to be, to know, to remember
our long lost, constantly sought
eternal orgasm of the soul
union
with, as
the beloved

Amin

Poem written on New Year's Morning, 2010

The body has it's rhythms
it likes to wake up slow
pause during the day, take naps
stretch, yawn
move, run, jump
play
dance

the mind, especially the ego mind
is a tyrant
ordering the body around mercilessly
forcing it to work, work, work
almost never play

Even when the ego thinks it's having fun
I'm drinking, i'm smoking, i'm talking
i might get lucky with this woman
too often the body is saying
please don't smoke, please don't drink
i need to rest, we woke up at 6am
worked all day
get lucky at 4pm, not 2am

and worse, the ego says
I have a goal,
I want to make a million dollars
that means we work 6 days a week, 12 hours a day
Eat fast food, in a hurry
We can relax and move later, so the ego says

The body says
you're not listening
i have to get your attention, and so
a little illness, and then a bigger one
and a bigger one

Still, the ego refuses to listen
takes a pill, gets a surgery
ignores the body
doesn't even feel the body most of the time

Who spends much time feeling the sensations in their
toe, foot, arm, right side, left side
except when the attention is forcibly drawn by pain

and so
the brutal master whips the overworked slave
without nourishing and nurturing

without realizing that
slave and master is a perversion of the true relationship
which is one of equal partners

without realizing the bliss to be found
in the exquisite sensation of moving one's arm
6 inches, 3 inches, one inch, one micron
if one will only fully allow oneself to
feel fully and fully value
the sensations

there is more bliss in that
than in all the toys and doodads of the world!

some say
"he who dies with the most toys, wins"

i say
he who dies with millions of toys
and millions of dollars
yet has never been truly embodied
never felt the bliss of the air in and out of the nostrils
never felt the bliss of toe, foot, arm, side
is impoverished beyond belief
the poorest of the poor

Think about it

Poems

Satori in Oakland

Hey, Kerouac had to go to Paris
I get to do it right here in Oaktown
Land of the free, home of the brave

and hey, is this real satori, or
am i just bullshitting myself
maybe trying to bullshit you
pumping myself up with my own self importance
the way poets do
when they're wearing plaid sweatpants and a grey T shirt

and hey, does it matter about
my satori
when what matters is
your satori

___________________

What went wrong?

What went wrong?

Was it a word, a look, a hurt feeling
a small wound that festered, growing
more toxic with the passage of the years
perhaps a succession of such small wounds

Was it a great gaping wound
some large injury
done to him at some time in his life, who knows when
a wound which no one knew about, and so
when the worst happened
everyone was shocked

was it what was done to him
the largeness or smallness of it, or

was it the bitterness with which
he regarded it, obsessed over it
almost cherished it with his thoughts and attention
turning it over and over in his mind
like some dark poisonous spider

could it have been prevented, stopped
ameliorated by some intervention, whose intervention?
Did he ask for help, cry for help, turn away help, say
no, nothing's wrong with me, I'm OK
leave me alone

Who knew, and who should have known
could have known
did know?

The end result, shock waves
rippling through
family, friends, acquaintances

even people to whom he was just an article in the paper
a story they heard
one more human tragedy
one more confirmation to them of what they already knew
or thought they knew
an excuse to vent fears, anger, frustration
because if it could happen to him
maybe it could happen to them
or someone close to them
so if they can make some sense of it
even to say "he deserved what he got"
maybe they can feel a tad bit safer
in a world where it seems like
anything can happen
at any time

So what went wrong?
How to make some sense of it?
I don't know